My Walk of Shame in the Philippines

STANDUP COMEDIAN SCHALK BEZUIDENHOUT AND HIS WIFE MICA WERE SITTING IN A POSH RESTAURANT ON ONE OF THE PICTURESQUE ISLANDS IN BALI. THE WRONG CHOICE OF FOOD MADE HIM RUN FOR THE HILLS, HE TELLS INBOUND SA EDITOR GAVIN PRINS.

Many travellers agree. The raw beauty of Bali, a province of Indonesia, boasts a myriad of volcanoes, crystalline beaches, diving, active nightlife, amazing waterfalls, and breathtaking views along most of its hiking trails.

This seemed like the perfect destination for comedian and actor Schalk and his wife.

“One year we were thinking about where we should go for our December holidays. Mica suggested Bali. The accommodation was wellpriced. The country is beautiful and does not have a lot of drunk Australians. And you don’t need a visa. We decided on Bali,” says Schalk.

So, off they went to the Philippines. The flights were smooth and once in the city, they were in awe of its natural beauty.

“We met this French woman, and she introduced us to a lot of people. She also invited us to a posh restaurant on the island. People stand in a long line to get in but obviously, we know people,” Schalk explains.

Schalk says inside the restaurant, people were talking softly and eating with knives and forks. “At each table, you sommer had two knives and forks. It was a very respectable place. Usually, when we travel, we meet the odd South African, but I spotted none.”

And then, shock! “I heard from another corner of the restaurant someone shouting my name. ‘Schalk’, he shouts. This is obviously someone who knows my work. The people around our table whom we had just met a couple of hours ago were confused because they didn’t know what I do for a living.

“I tried to walk over to the guy and tried to get him to keep it down. But then he shouted ‘Schalk, waar is Susan se p**s?’

The guy was referring to one of the first jokes Schalk told in his comedy about a Dutch class
looking for a classmate’s (Susan’s) cat.

“I quickly told him this was a respectable place and that he should not shout like he was doing. He then proceeded to tell me his name was Frikkie and he was from Stellenbosch. I have never met a Frikkie in my life. You start your jokes by saying ‘Frikkie walks into a bar..’ but never in real life.”

But Schalk’s embarrassment did not end here. The next day, the couple boarded a ferry to another island.

Big mistake
“We had to get up early to be at the port at 5 am. It was still dark. People’s eyes were still red from the previous night’s party.”

Schalk says usually when overseas, he looks for the food that he knows. “I do Western foods like pizza, but this time I decided to try the local foods,” he says.

Big mistake!

“The one minute, I was looking at the ocean, and the next, my tummy acted up and I needed to go. I literally ran to the men’s bathroom. There was no toilet paper. The situation was getting progressively more serious. So, I ran to the women’s bathroom. Still no toilet paper.” And that’s when Schalk had to do the walk of shame back into the restaurant.

“I did a proper power walk, a clingy bum walk. The situation was reaching serious levels. I went back to the table to get my backpack. The only thing I could think to use was one of our books. I took it to the toilet.

A moral dilemma
“Amidst the drama unfolding, I now had to choose which of my or Mica’s books was going to suffer in the process. I was instantly confronted with a moral dilemma. Time was against me. I tore a page from her book and went about my business.”

Schalk says he would recommend the Philippines. “You get value for money for the amount you pay to stay at hotels and guesthouses.”

Yes, and just watch what you eat Schalk!